Monthly Archives: October 2009

I am Coming Out in a Big Way!

My Oceanside pilgrimage….

As the documentary, 8: The Mormon Proposition, is nearing release and I feel that I am being exposed somewhat, “outed” you might say, I have had great concern about offending those I love, somehow hurting their feelings because of my stance on the issue of homosexuality and the LDS church involvement with the passage of Proposition 8 in CA.  For whatever reason my family became a focal point for the film and we suddenly became equal rights activist…. Its funny, I haven’t had a political bone in my body until it affected the rights of my own children.  I am ashamed to say that, but perhaps I simply and it seems quite suddenly, have become much more aware and have a greater understanding of what rights they are denied.  And of course, the ugly head of discrimination, hateful slurs, emails, comments and rejection quickly stirred up the mother bear in me.  Then I had a huge ah hah ….. there are those that are and always have been offended by my children only because of who they are… or how they see them as gay. I have told all my children and others to “be yourself, don’t sell out, don’t give your power away, never apologize for “who you are”, let people see your magnificence, your good heart and eventually they will see the real you.  Thanks to all of my amazing children for reminding me to take my own advice!

Many of you have noticed my absence and I am so grateful for the love and support I have received.  While I was removed from phone, internet, life, (Steve wisked me away in an attempt to save my life…and he did!), the trailer to the Documentary came out.  It was perfect timing for me to have a little space.

I want to share my experience with each of you, as you are my journey… Thank you for being part of it, for the meaning you give to my life, for the lessons and love you have taught me.  I love you all, whether you see things the way I do or not.  And I trust that as you understand my heart, you will see I am not against you.  I respect your right to see it differently.  I am only following what my heart tells me is the right thing to do…and that is to choose my children… I will always choose them and stand with them.  I pray that is not offensive or hurtful to anyone.

My big reason for going away was to find a “New Way of Being”… to keep the stress, the passion, the anxiousness, the fear, blah, blah blah… from killing me.  It is hard to face your demons head on, especially when you feel powerless to do anything about it, because they are so deep rooted.

So my pilgrimage begins as I am in search of a way to be who I am, without being against 0r fighting or angry or hateful… to stand up for or with… in favor of… in a loving responsive way, without sacrificing the passion and emotion that is who I am.  I didn’t want to go on meds to chill me out, or get control of my emotions.  I don’t want to be “flatline”  I need the beating of my heart, the rush of joy or conviction or empathy.  Can you relate???

As the days melted into each other oh so fast it seemed hard to quit clenching my teeth,  giving stress so much power to invade this space as well.  UGH!!  I hate that I am that weak!!  But as each day passed it started to lose its energy.  Everything started to feel less important… all the beliefs, all the failures, the successes… I realized it was all just a story.

We took the Zen cards with us… just to draw a card each day and get a zen message.  It was really amazing as each day the cards had the perfect message and seemed to build on each other.  So yesterday I as I was thinking about the message I want to send to family members and how to handle the film and the whole civil rights thing…

I felt to draw another card.

The Rebel Card
This is the card I drew and I wanted to share it with you.  It totally summed up everything for me.  See the attached.

The Rebel ~ “The powerful and authoritative figure in this card is clearly the master of his own destiny.On his shoulder is an emblem of the sun, and the torch he holds in his right hand symbolizes the light of his own hard-won truth.  Whether he is wealthy or poor, the Rebel is an emperor because he has broken the chains of society’s repressive conditioning and opinions. He has formed himself by embracing all the colors of the rainbow emerging from the dark and formless roots of his unconscious past and growing wings to fly into the sky.  His very way of being is rebellious – not because he is fighting against anybody or anything, but because he has discovered his own true nature and is determined to live in accordance with it.  The Rebel challenges us to be courageous to take responsibility for who we are and to live our truth”

I sat there in tears.. feeling like I knew who I was and prepared to BE myself.