I am Coming Out in a Big Way!

My Oceanside pilgrimage….

As the documentary, 8: The Mormon Proposition, is nearing release and I feel that I am being exposed somewhat, “outed” you might say, I have had great concern about offending those I love, somehow hurting their feelings because of my stance on the issue of homosexuality and the LDS church involvement with the passage of Proposition 8 in CA.  For whatever reason my family became a focal point for the film and we suddenly became equal rights activist…. Its funny, I haven’t had a political bone in my body until it affected the rights of my own children.  I am ashamed to say that, but perhaps I simply and it seems quite suddenly, have become much more aware and have a greater understanding of what rights they are denied.  And of course, the ugly head of discrimination, hateful slurs, emails, comments and rejection quickly stirred up the mother bear in me.  Then I had a huge ah hah ….. there are those that are and always have been offended by my children only because of who they are… or how they see them as gay. I have told all my children and others to “be yourself, don’t sell out, don’t give your power away, never apologize for “who you are”, let people see your magnificence, your good heart and eventually they will see the real you.  Thanks to all of my amazing children for reminding me to take my own advice!

Many of you have noticed my absence and I am so grateful for the love and support I have received.  While I was removed from phone, internet, life, (Steve wisked me away in an attempt to save my life…and he did!), the trailer to the Documentary came out.  It was perfect timing for me to have a little space.

I want to share my experience with each of you, as you are my journey… Thank you for being part of it, for the meaning you give to my life, for the lessons and love you have taught me.  I love you all, whether you see things the way I do or not.  And I trust that as you understand my heart, you will see I am not against you.  I respect your right to see it differently.  I am only following what my heart tells me is the right thing to do…and that is to choose my children… I will always choose them and stand with them.  I pray that is not offensive or hurtful to anyone.

My big reason for going away was to find a “New Way of Being”… to keep the stress, the passion, the anxiousness, the fear, blah, blah blah… from killing me.  It is hard to face your demons head on, especially when you feel powerless to do anything about it, because they are so deep rooted.

So my pilgrimage begins as I am in search of a way to be who I am, without being against 0r fighting or angry or hateful… to stand up for or with… in favor of… in a loving responsive way, without sacrificing the passion and emotion that is who I am.  I didn’t want to go on meds to chill me out, or get control of my emotions.  I don’t want to be “flatline”  I need the beating of my heart, the rush of joy or conviction or empathy.  Can you relate???

As the days melted into each other oh so fast it seemed hard to quit clenching my teeth,  giving stress so much power to invade this space as well.  UGH!!  I hate that I am that weak!!  But as each day passed it started to lose its energy.  Everything started to feel less important… all the beliefs, all the failures, the successes… I realized it was all just a story.

We took the Zen cards with us… just to draw a card each day and get a zen message.  It was really amazing as each day the cards had the perfect message and seemed to build on each other.  So yesterday I as I was thinking about the message I want to send to family members and how to handle the film and the whole civil rights thing…

I felt to draw another card.

The Rebel Card
This is the card I drew and I wanted to share it with you.  It totally summed up everything for me.  See the attached.

The Rebel ~ “The powerful and authoritative figure in this card is clearly the master of his own destiny.On his shoulder is an emblem of the sun, and the torch he holds in his right hand symbolizes the light of his own hard-won truth.  Whether he is wealthy or poor, the Rebel is an emperor because he has broken the chains of society’s repressive conditioning and opinions. He has formed himself by embracing all the colors of the rainbow emerging from the dark and formless roots of his unconscious past and growing wings to fly into the sky.  His very way of being is rebellious – not because he is fighting against anybody or anything, but because he has discovered his own true nature and is determined to live in accordance with it.  The Rebel challenges us to be courageous to take responsibility for who we are and to live our truth”

I sat there in tears.. feeling like I knew who I was and prepared to BE myself.

One thought on “I am Coming Out in a Big Way!

  1. Heidi Gibson

    There are many things I would like to and could say here. But as a 32 year old woman and the mother of a 10 year old little girl being brought up today in this world as it is – I would like to make one thing clear to her and the rest who choose to judge me. What I am is not as important as who I am.

    I am a lesbian, I am wife, I am a daughter of very proud parents and I am the sibling of a very proud sister and brother.

    When I was 13 years old in the 7th grade I came home from basketball practice and told my parents I wanted to quit playing. Mind you I was 6’2 when I was 13 and still am at 32. With that height advantage and the love that I have for sports my parents couldn’t understand why I would want to quit. I was sitting with my mom at the kitchen table. I kept telling her “I just don’t like it..” and she put her hand on mine and said “There’s more to it than that Heidi – just tell me how you feel.” At that moment I began to cry – sob actually.

    At that moment I told my mom I didn’t feel right. I was uncomfortable and scared because I wasn’t like the other girls. I didn’t like the same things they did, I didn’t want the same things they did and I didn’t even act the way they did.

    I’ve never since gotten a hug as big as the one my mom gave me at that moment. She put my hands in her face and said these words, “It’s ok baby. You just put a smile on your beautiful face, walk tall and proud. I understand more than you think I do, I understand more than you do. But what I want you to know is that I love you and there is no reason to tell others how you feel. There is no reason for you to talk to kids at school about this. Don’t stereotype yourself or put yourself in the center of attention. Just smile and love who you are as I do..”

    I had no idea that I was gay, but she did. She loves and loved me regardless. It was tough back then, much different than it is now. When I went to college I wanted to fit in, I dated boys and hated it. I decided I would try and be who society wants me to be. I married my best friend – who just happened to be born a man. My mom cried on my wedding day – not because she was happy for her baby getting married – but because she knew I was doing it to try to be something I wasn’t. It didn’t last. Infact it took longer to plan the wedding than it did to get rid of it. I was depressed and couldn’t take any more.

    Today I am married, I was married June 4th 2009 in Mills County, Iowa to my amazing bride and best friend. We had a reception at home in Salt Lake City for our friends and family this past August. It was amazing to see tears in my moms eyes – this time they were real, this time she was happy and proud and this time she knew her baby was being a mother and showing her own little girl what it’s like to live life the way my life was meant to be lived. It was a beautiful day.

    Not all are as lucky to have the amazing mother that I have. But I would like to end this by saying it doesn’t matter who loves you or supports you. The most love and admiration comes from within. And no matter what there are people like myself who love you for who you are, not what you are because you truly are amazing, loved and beautiful.

    Thank you.

    Reply

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